This is my bed (the yellow walls will be gone soon!). This is the amazing Queen sized pillow top mattress bed that I picked out with some help from my daddy (that was a site to see) 4.5 years ago with some of the most comfortable bedding I've ever had. I didn't used to have this set on my bed- it used to be for my guest bedroom, which is now my craft room without a bed. After searching Craigslist for weeks, I finally found a reasonably priced headboard for this bed and installed it all by myself a few months ago.
This is also the bed that over the last (almost) 11 months has been harder and harder to get into every night. The bed used to look like this. (And yes, I'm embarrassed that I ever decorated like that, so hush).
So, some things have definitely changed. But really, it's just like putting a mask on at Halloween. I'm just covering up the bed I shared with someone for 3.5 years. New bedding and a new headboard doesn't change the fact that it's still the bed I shared with him for so long. Just like the feelings and emotions I'm experiencing, I can hide them and cover them up, but I can't change them. And, that is really frustrating.
So, lately, I've been leaving the comfy bed and linens and spending my nights on my almost just as comfortable futon with a few blankets and a few cats (they're confused as to why we're sleeping in the living room). I hope that soon I'll be able to get in my amazing bed without feeling like a total loser crying herself to sleep. Only time will tell how soon that happens. But for now, I'll cover up my feelings/emotions, and put on a happy face.
4 comments:
Yay! New bedding looks great. :)
I know there's times it doesn't feel like it but honestly, you're the total winner in this situation. You've come a long way in the almost year that this has been and you'll go even farther. This sleeping on the futon stuff is a bump on the incredibly bumpy road you've been on this past year, but roads, like life, straighten out. Dad and I are so proud of you for getting on with life.
I know it doesn't help but I'm going through the same thing. Luckily, it's not the same bed "we" had. But the going to bed alone thing is a bad feeling. I have 4 pillows that don't even manage to help. I cry. And then get mad because I'm crying which leads to even more crying. UGH
The really bad part is towards the end of our marriage I didn't even want to touch him when we slept. You'd think I'd enjoy having the bed to myself. But, of course, I don't.
And I don't exactly have a comfy couch. But since I'm not sleeping, it doesn't really matter...
I hope it gets better for you really soon, you deserve it!
This breaks my heart. This is so honest and raw. I hate that you feel this way. When I moved into the house I didn't like sleeping alone. You were and still are my inspiration. You have moved on and are building your new life.
I hope things get brighter for you. I am sorry you feel this way. I am here if you want to talk.
xo
-K
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